"I... I have a few things I need to say to you.
"I'm not sure what I expected, after we slew the Duenes. Peace, perhaps? I was a fool to think so. The only time I've ever known peace was with you. A surcease from the feeling that I will never truly belong here? Nay, if anything, that's worsened... almost as though avenging you was my last real reason to linger here. Vengeance gave me purpose, for a time. The notion of finding the shadowy enemies who plotted the downfall of our House... truly, that was a grand and glorious purpose, for a time." She let free a short, bitter bark of a laugh. "But the anticipation proved greater than the reality. They were nothing. They were weaklings, cowards, and their only real weapon was our naivety. You died for nothing more than petty greed. What a waste. What a fucking, gods-forsaken waste. You were born for greatness, every hair on your head, every word out of your mouth, was meant for greatness. And now you are down here, and all we do now is stumble from one disaster to the next. From one funeral of a loved one to the next. From one barely-evaded snare laid by a scheming shit-bag, to the next. The priests are fond of saying the gods have a plan for all of us. From what I've seen, their plan is shit, it is insane."
She sat on the first step leading down, rested her head on her knees for a moment.
"Oh, gods, I wonder what you'd make of all this. I was certain we were going to die, in Stormpoint. Die for Cathal's ideals, his dream of how things ought to be. How would you feel, I wonder, about my head on that executioner's block, for Cathal's notion of how things ought to be? Mara's, Finn's, Dolan's, Elena's heads, plopping into that basket, our towns burned to the ground and our fields salted, all for Cathal's notion of how things ought to be?
"Nay, it seems I live yet, it seems the gods' shit insane plan isn't finished with me yet. I may even yet live to teach Cathal's children how to hunt."
"Nay, it seems I live yet, it seems the gods' shit insane plan isn't finished with me yet. I may even yet live to teach Cathal's children how to hunt."
The ragged edge of hurt in her voice echoed into the dark dusty stillness, and her eyes welled with tears.
"I suppose in his defense, the other heads of the Houses are self-serving spineless cowards, and Avan would cut his mother's throat if he thought it would turn one more kingdom to his banner. But this is how nobles have always been, and perhaps it takes a commoner like myself to see it. The rich and powerful jockey for gold and land, and the poor die in the dirt. I have seen more genuine desire to protect and defend the people in one's care from Leandra than ever I've seen in a king or a priest.
"This situation is insane, it's impossible. It truly is the pinnacle of the gods' insane shit scheming. There is no way out for us now. Wilder's Gorge is caught between the hammer of the Empire and the anvil of Cathal's ideals.
"I saw an abandoned woodsman's cabin just a little north of the Seamist border, close to the mountains, on the bank of a little stream. The woods are deep there, lush, so full of pheasant and rabbit you could almost catch them with your bare hands..." She trailed off.
"I know now that killing the Duenes could have never given your restless and discontent spirit peace. Everything you were, all the goodness and the light that you were, left this world long ago. You would have never tormented me, baying for vengeance, anyway. It is only my restless and discontent spirit that burdens me, not yours.
"And I know now that it is not the Fulcairns, or the people of Wilder's Gorge, who make me feel like a stranger and an unworthy impostor here. It is me who does that. I feel like a stranger and an unworthy impostor everywhere, anywhere, for in my heart of hearts that is who I think I am, and I know not how much love and acceptance and time could ever heal the cracks in that particular mirror, or if indeed, if it can be healed.
"And I know now that Cathal will never be you, and that part of me expected him to be you for far too long, and that I did him a disservice by expecting that. And we cannot move forward together, in any capacity, until I stop."
"And I am not leaving this House now, or ever. And if it isn't in the gods' shit insane plan for me to serve it as its Lady, then I shall pass that duty to someone more worthy of it than I, and serve it instead with my true strengths... stepping quietly and seeing that my arrows strike their marks."
She stood, and said quietly, almost inaudibly, "Goodbye, Corrac."
"And I know now that it is not the Fulcairns, or the people of Wilder's Gorge, who make me feel like a stranger and an unworthy impostor here. It is me who does that. I feel like a stranger and an unworthy impostor everywhere, anywhere, for in my heart of hearts that is who I think I am, and I know not how much love and acceptance and time could ever heal the cracks in that particular mirror, or if indeed, if it can be healed.
"And I know now that Cathal will never be you, and that part of me expected him to be you for far too long, and that I did him a disservice by expecting that. And we cannot move forward together, in any capacity, until I stop."
"And I am not leaving this House now, or ever. And if it isn't in the gods' shit insane plan for me to serve it as its Lady, then I shall pass that duty to someone more worthy of it than I, and serve it instead with my true strengths... stepping quietly and seeing that my arrows strike their marks."
She stood, and said quietly, almost inaudibly, "Goodbye, Corrac."